On Longing

"I’m so sorry, sorry love

That some dawns

I want to be gone

But then the sun goes up and up

And I am lying in it some"

These are some of the lyrics from Holly Throsby's song 'On Longing'. It washes over me, fairly regularly, this feeling that I sometimes wish I was just not here. Along with equally sincere regret that I feel this way, and silent apologies to my loved ones that I do not radiate the joy I should feel considering the blessings I have. And then there is guilt, of course. All circling back to this feeling I have sometimes that has recurred for more than ten years, and I wish I didn't have it. That sometimes I want to be gone. From myself, not from my friends or family. I don't ever want anyone else to be without me, if they want me, but the feeling is that I want me to be without me.

Anyhow, it just comes and goes. Not debilitating, and in that I am also lucky, but just a little bit sad.

That said, I never forget the 'sun' that I have in my life, even when something inside stops the rays from warming through me. But I can always see them. I have much to love.