Not on the spectrum, but... reading about hyper-sensitivity

Since I have kids with autism, and Sienna also has an ADHD diagnosis as well as Aspergers, I have a few news pages that I follow on Facebook that are relevant to them. Today a link was posted to ADDItude Mag with an article on Hyper-sensitivity, as it is something that is often – while not a disorder, but rather a type – seen in people diagnosed with ADHD / ADD. On another Facebook post, a blogger I enjoy reading posted a comment on Myers-Briggs personality types, which ties in, for me, to the kind of self-understanding that helps with being very sensitive.

I am neither on the Autism spectrum (and yes, I've even done one of those basic online tests to check likelihood / similarities to ASD) nor do I have ADHD, though I have read a fair bit about them. Well, autism in particular. Anyhow ;) I don't believe myself to be on the spectrum of either of these conditions, but there are some traits I strongly empathise with. I've also read about the myers-briggs personality types, and the book 'The Highly Sensitive Person'. So, connecting with today's article didn't come as a surprise, but it is a good reminder.

One sentence that stood out a lot for me was this: “Prior to discovering my hypersensitivity, I perceived my over-the-top emotions as a character flaw. My mom would say, “Why can’t you get on an even keel?” As a child, I didn’t have an answer. This added to my already-low self-esteem.” I find this so interesting, and for a couple of reasons. One is the reminder that I really do fall clearly and undoubtedly into this category, which apparently includes an average of 15-20% of people.

There are no words that stand out more strongly to me from my childhood and youth than “you're too sensitive”, and they didn't stop just because I became an adult. But as a child, it was more confusing, because I didn't disagree, but didn't understand why was there something wrong with me? And also because feelings being 'wrong' doesn't make them go away. If something hurts, but it hurts because 'you're too sensitive', it still hurts, but then there is the added layer of it being wrong somehow. It was something I remember repeating in some of my angsty, sensitive teenage poetry – this idea that I was inherently wrong, but without being able to define what that wrong was, exactly.

It's a formative view of myself that I still struggle with, and so far have mostly just been able to work on recognising it. Changing those thought patterns is a battle for another season, I guess. Recognition, though, has its own strength. Which brings me to another part of the comment above that I found so interesting - “prior to discovering my hypersensitivity”. The next paragraph in the article quotes Elaine N. Aron, Ph.D (authorof The Highly Sensitive Person) - “Recognizing their high sensitivity can help people stop feeling bad about themselves.”

Well that is definitely harder said than done, but I do get what they're saying. And I totally agree, as this is the basis for getting any kind of diagnostic assessment really - such as autism, or ADHD as well. Further understanding can help, both with understanding the needs of the person and with improving their self esteem as a result of that understanding. The Myers-Briggs personality types helped me figure this out when I was a teenager, and a psychologist who saw me at 17 – on the recommendation of my bookshop boss, due to my extreme shyness – only saw me twice but helped me see that I was just a different type of person than most people around me.

My first couple of Myers-Briggs tests showed me as an INFP, a rare and sensitive personality type. Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, Perceiving, and at 100% of the scale for introversion, and almost that high for intuitive. A few years later, the ratio shifted a little and I've been an INFJ ever since – very interesting, as my slight P preference earlier on shifted to a more decisive J type as I grew older. This was perhaps also in response to being with my husband since that time, as he was decidedly a P personality type, whereas I had only slightly leaned that way.

It all sounds rather more serious than I really view it, which is as a great lesson in understanding and acceptance. When applied to myself, the acceptance – deep, instinctive, self-acceptance – is a lot harder than the understanding for me, but they are all tied together. And also with this third point which drew me in straight away, which is that “Emotional pain and physical pain are experienced in the same part of the brain.” Which explains why it can feel so all-encompassing to literally radiate pain from the darkness at the centre of myself, to the point where it can be felt by other intuitive people, but feel so ridiculous about it when there is no clear wrong thing to be blamed.

I may be veering off into talking about depression, here, but this is the thing. I suffer depression, I guess, in that I fit the criteria more often than not because of my thoughts and feelings about myself. But clinically... it's not purely chemical. It's this inherent wrongness that I've never been able to understand and accept about myself, which is actually not wrongness at all. It's just being different. Being hyper-sensitive.

Having “all of the feelings” (for some reason I imagine those words spoken by Tina Fey?!).

Clouds of grey sensitivity aside, the silver lining I see is that I've never felt like I quite fit. But I've always found some kindred spirits along the way. And I feel so much empathy for my kids, my amazing, fascinating, brilliant Autism spectrum kids, as a direct result of this sensitivity. I feel for them. All the time. And so I think it makes me a pretty good Autism mum. That, at least, is something good. And I can accept that.

Rejection and perception

 

I feel like every time I write an email, answer a phone call or write a blog post, I'm all like "I've been really busy". It's true, and I always seem to have more and more that I invite on to my plate (so to speak) but I don't want it to seem like a complaint.

I like being busy, though I do realise it's a fine line between being healthily busy to keep my mind occupied and being overextended to the point where it's more of a handicap than a help! That is why my reevaluation recently - while I feel like I only got part way through my thought process - was as much about working out what to drop as what to do.


Yesterday I built Sienna's loft bed that I've been painting bit by bit over the past week or so. Ben helped me move the window seat from Sienna's room (up until yesterday, Cedar's room) downstairs into the boys' room. I took the cushion off so that it can be a toy table as well as storage. The cupboards down there look great with Ash's pirate ships spread across the tops! Of course, having had to clean the room before rearranging didn't hurt either ;)

So now Sienna's room is upstairs again, she has a loft bed that I bought off ebay and painted white (though I realised when assembling it that it was actually a bunk bed, just without one of the pieces, rather than an actual loft bed as advertised - never mind!). The 'games cupboard' - a raw timber buffet that has been in our lounge room for a few years - is also in her room where the window seat used to be. The same white wardrobe is still in that room, but has been shifted to where Cedar's cot used to be. So my arms and legs are a bit sore today from all the construction and furniture shifting.

I have a collection of kids clothes still to add to Curious Bazaar, which I will try and get to next week! But tomorrow I am off to Newcastle for the weekend. I have a photo shoot on Saturday morning and a workshop on Saturday afternoon. Quietest workshop yet, with just two registrations (a kind of rejection, in a way, but realistically it's a lack of audience), but I'm taking the opportunity to try out a kind of 'photo walk' and coffee stop style of workshop, more like a one-on-one mentor session. We'll see how it goes, and how the weather in Newcastle holds up - apparently it's been a bit wet there this week.

I was thinking the other day that I've had a few rejections this year, but for the most part have just kept moving on. I spoke awhile ago about trying to push the market art thingy for a little while, to have a market-intense few months, and then stop and reevaluate. Well, I have been rejected by three markets this year, and pretty much just moved forward. There are little rejections here and there all the time. Things NOT happening can be a rejection. Getting no response can feel like one, even when it isn't really that at all.

I put in my application for two wedding markets for next year, and was bracing myself for rejection (though Kim of Portobello Bride had been really encouraging last year when I enquired and wanted me to participate, so I felt reasonably confident of acceptance). But I was accepted to exhibit at those, and then I put in my application to the AIPP to become an emerging member. Something that's been on my to-do list for awhile. That was accepted, so that was exciting!

I guess my point is something about passion and perception. I can see now that the things I am most passionate about in my work have the most chance of success - as much as I enjoy the wall art side of my photography, it is a side point to the parts of my work that really get me emotionally invested. As a result, I never dedicated a lot of time or effort into making the art side a proper product line or whatever. I want it to still be an organic part of my art and business.

The less organic - and more official - parts of my business are changing for 2012 to a focus on graphics, blogging and website work and online stuff (Curious Bazaar, for starters) on one side of the coin, and wedding photography on the other. The first is more every day for me already. With two blogs, a handful of Facebook pages and an online shop, I always have more to learn about social media and web marketing, subjects I really enjoy digging into.

Wedding photography isn't new to me - technically, my first job as official photographer was a wedding, and I still love some of those shots (taken on film!). But I have never focussed on it for my business before, so it is taking some reshuffling and things that I am still hammering out details for. I have gone from nervous caution at weddings to relaxed confidence over the years, and I know that I can get beautiful images. It's a beautiful thing, after all, so it's not hard. I love being there to see those moments and to have the honour of capturing all that joy and excitement. Anticipation of a new life.



With marketing of anything, though, there has to be an element of rejection. If there is no rejection, then that's kind of bizarre - after all, everyone is different and how many businesses truly cater to every person's needs and tastes? Finding the right audience is part of marketing. So, handling rejection is part of it as well. It's back to perception. It doesn't have to lead to self-condemnation, which I think is often the way we take things. Emotionally, at least, and then we can rely on our brains to bring some logic back into the picture. Realign our perception. I think about it a lot because it is against my type, but I am constantly rewriting my thoughts to avoid that black hole that low self-esteem can lead to.

I read this post on Maxabella today and it reminded me about this reevaluation that I had planned for the end of the year, and which I've obviously gotten part of the way through, at least for the professional side of my life. I feel like I'm constantly rejuggling, in my head, to work out what to do - the next day, the next week, the next year. I have travel dreams, which I would like to be plans but in a practical sense there's a lot in the way (i.e. money!). So I have other plans to help with that, so that dreams feel like possibilities and wishes feel like hope.

And for now, my insomniac Aspergers daughter *may* be asleep in the next room, my laptop is overheating again and my cold seems to be turning back into hayfever. So I'm off to bed, to put my brain to sleep for awhile, and I'll start again in the morning.

What are your plans and passions? Does rejection cut you down, or are you a mind-over-matter person who takes it in their stride? Perhaps, like me, a bit of both?

*All photos from a photo shoot I did featuring Polkadot Lane, Monet Paisley and Little Tree Kids, a session that is currently featured in Tickle the Imagination online magazine.

This thing called 'R U Ok?' Day #ruOK

What is R U OK? Day?

 

Thursday 15 September, 2011 is R U OK?Day. It’s a national day of action which aims to prevent suicide by encouraging Australians to connect with someone they care about and help stop little problems turning into big ones.

On that day we want everyone across the country, from all backgrounds and walks of life, to ask family, friends and colleagues: "Are you OK?".

Staying connected with others is crucial to our general health and wellbeing. Feeling isolated or hopeless can contribute to depression and other mental illnesses, which can ultimately result in suicide. Regular, meaningful conversations can protect those we know and love.

It's so simple. In the time it takes to have a coffee, you can start a conversation that could change a life.


Sometimes I'm ok and sometimes I'm not quite that. At the moment I'm fine but, the truth is, I don't want to be asked. I do think it's important to ask. And I'm happy to ask other people, and am genuinely interested in what they will have to say in response. But I'd rather not be asked personally, thanks very much. I control things very much internally, and bringing them all out can be the difference between being 'ok right now' and 'not so much'.

Regardless, I think it's important to realise that admitting to struggles with mental health doesn't mean you need to be carted away by men in white coats (so to speak). If we can help normalise depression and other types of mental illness, including the thought processes that might contribute to them, perhaps it will help more people to speak up when they need to?



When I was 14, depression hit big time and I really didn't know what to do with myself. Everything seemed meaningless, and it wasn't just about self-esteem either (which was a big issue from time to time) - everything just seemed kind of stupid. And I didn't feel liked I belonged, not in my home, not in my skin, not in my head, not in my world, but not anywhere else either. I wrote poems, all the time. I played the cello rather loudly, channelling whatever I could get out. I painted sometimes. Took photos sometimes.

Anyway, at some point my mum pretty much asked me "are you ok?" in a "clearly you're not so what are we going to do about it" kind of way. So, at 15 I changed schools, and in the environment of much fewer people, more challenging school work (moving to year 11) and a nurturing, peaceful garden in the school grounds, I came to a better place. I still found life challenging a lot of the time, internally at least, but I wrote A LOT to explore that process and generally found life interesting again.

Since then it has come and gone... and come... and gone... as depression tends to do. I have a few distinct memories of times when it was bad for me - one of the times at 18 / 19, another at 22, a few other times. I've had a few times when I felt quite manic, like I was walking around with ants under my skin and my brain whirring at a million miles an hour, for weeks. I've had a panic attack or two, but anxiety hasn't taken a firm hold at any time, thankfully. I had a year where I felt like I was constantly visualising trauma that was about to happen, except that it wasn't actually about to happen at all, it was just me imagining the worst in constant graphic detail. That still happens but it was only really extreme for a short time.

This poem is from 2002

I am adrift

within my consciousness

lost in thought,

random and

organic,

seeming only temporary

unbidden desires,

viciousness

toward me

I want to tear out

my thoughts from

the consciousness

of me

wear the blood of

this destruction

as a badge,

identifying the pain

of the lost,

the who

of who I am

these lives so secret

these secrets

inside of me

As far as mental illness goes, I get it. I've had a couple of friends over the years say to me that they don't like to say out loud what they think in their head, things like "I could walk in front of that bus", but they do say that to me and I'm like "I know what you mean". It's important to be able to talk to people, to express your feelings, and not have them over-react with drama and freaking out, disappointment or platitudes. Remember, there is a strong sense of not wanting to worry people, as well as not wanting to be judged or for some people there is a feeling of shame. I think it depends on your background a lot. In any case, a calm, genuine listening ear (and sometimes a gentle but firm push towards other types of help available) is far more helpful and reassuring than an "oh my god!" response*.

It's important to be able to say that stuff out loud, to be able to get a hold of your perspective, to tell someone that those thoughts are a symptom of how you're feeling inside, desperate and uncertain, disconnected or overwhelmed, or whatever it is - those thoughts are a symptom of how intense your feelings are. They are not an answer, that is vital to understand, but telling someone how you feel is part of the journey. It is also important to know this about yourself. And then things get better. They will, because they do. It might take some time, it will very likely require some help. And the darkness might come back again, but then it will go away again too.

So it will be a day to ask someone 'R U Ok?' on September 15th. Or maybe, for you, it will be a day to answer honestly when someone asks you.

*It's important not to be offended, as well, when a loved one doesn't want to talk about their struggle with you. If you know they will talk to someone, and will be getting help if they need it (that is important), keep in mind that perhaps what they need from you is time off from their feelings of depression and anxiety. Light relief, or just quiet companionship, or general support, or maybe a babysitter while they go and see a professional if that is what they need to do. All of that is incredibly valuable too. But if you are seriously worried, listen to your instincts too. R U OK website has some great advice here.

There have been some honest, insightful and inspiring blog posts in relation to R U Ok? Day - here are a few I've been reading:

• Glowless
• Twitter feed #ruOK
• My Big Nutshell

The following are some recommended help and information contacts:

* beyondblue info line (National) - 1300 22 4636
* Lifeline (National) - 13 11 14
* Just Ask Rural Mental Health Information & Referral Line (National) - 1300 13 11 14
* SANE Australia Helpline (National) - 1800 187 263
* Suicide Helpline - 1300 651 251
* Mensline (National) - 1300 789 978
* Australian Psychological Society Referral Line (National) 1800 333 497
* Mental Health Information Service (NSW) - 1300 794 991
* Kids Helpline (National) - 1800 551 800

Just Reality

I was reading on The Craft Revival about the plan for a day of 'Just Reality' posts on social media, and thought I would take part. I'm preparing this post a day early and scheduling it, and decided to share a picture of my current work space. This is one corner of my bedroom, which is luckily the biggest room in this l'il old home of ours, and while it varies it is MOSTLY covered in piles of scrapbooking bits and pieces, cables, papers, tools, paint, laptop and tablet, mugs etc. in a pretty ramshackle kind of, ahem, mess.

Sometimes I blog here and sometimes I pull the laptop into the lounge room - especially at night time while watching some sci-fi tv or The Mentalist or Bones or Castle. I am definitely more productive having a desk, though, and try to set up here when actually intending on achieving something substantial.

Glamorous? Um, no. But I'm fine with it. One little part of my 'just reality' around here :)