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| Munich at Dusk |
A beautiful post sums up where we are at the moment, over here, by my friend Sylvia.
In one week we will be on our flight back home.
Showing posts with label writing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label writing. Show all posts
With friends
A beautiful post sums up where we are at the moment, over here, by my friend Sylvia.
In one week we will be on our flight back home.
Infinite Possibilities
"The most beautiful parts of people are most easily accessed by wonder" - Jesh de Rox.
A few weeks ago, I went to a Life As An Artform workshop in Brisbane. It involved a lot about seeing other people, seeing yourself, connections, permission as an artist, a huge amount of exploration of ideas. I met all of these new people, and spent a couple of hours hanging out with the sweet Amy Seeley on the day after the workshop. I didn't see any of Brisbane at all, but was content with my journals full of notes and writing and doodles.
One amazing afternoon Jesh had secretly arranged for a cellist to perform for an hour, just for us, in the lounge room of the house where the workshop was held. Wayne Jennings, from Deep Blue Orchestra, started with the Bach piece I spent a year working on when I was 14. Completely unravelled me. Was fantastic.
My infinite in a tea cup
poured out of me today,
each fraction of spine
bending
and opening with the wind
that blew through me.
This new soundtrack of
possibility
echoed between my skin
and my skin.
I felt in it truth
and said yes, me, yes,
today, yes
infinity.
A few weeks ago, I went to a Life As An Artform workshop in Brisbane. It involved a lot about seeing other people, seeing yourself, connections, permission as an artist, a huge amount of exploration of ideas. I met all of these new people, and spent a couple of hours hanging out with the sweet Amy Seeley on the day after the workshop. I didn't see any of Brisbane at all, but was content with my journals full of notes and writing and doodles.
One amazing afternoon Jesh had secretly arranged for a cellist to perform for an hour, just for us, in the lounge room of the house where the workshop was held. Wayne Jennings, from Deep Blue Orchestra, started with the Bach piece I spent a year working on when I was 14. Completely unravelled me. Was fantastic.
My infinite in a tea cup
poured out of me today,
each fraction of spine
bending
and opening with the wind
that blew through me.
This new soundtrack of
possibility
echoed between my skin
and my skin.
I felt in it truth
and said yes, me, yes,
today, yes
infinity.
Rejection and perception
I feel like every time I write an email, answer a phone call or write a blog post, I'm all like "I've been really busy". It's true, and I always seem to have more and more that I invite on to my plate (so to speak) but I don't want it to seem like a complaint.
I like being busy, though I do realise it's a fine line between being healthily busy to keep my mind occupied and being overextended to the point where it's more of a handicap than a help! That is why my reevaluation recently - while I feel like I only got part way through my thought process - was as much about working out what to drop as what to do.
Yesterday I built Sienna's loft bed that I've been painting bit by bit over the past week or so. Ben helped me move the window seat from Sienna's room (up until yesterday, Cedar's room) downstairs into the boys' room. I took the cushion off so that it can be a toy table as well as storage. The cupboards down there look great with Ash's pirate ships spread across the tops! Of course, having had to clean the room before rearranging didn't hurt either ;)
So now Sienna's room is upstairs again, she has a loft bed that I bought off ebay and painted white (though I realised when assembling it that it was actually a bunk bed, just without one of the pieces, rather than an actual loft bed as advertised - never mind!). The 'games cupboard' - a raw timber buffet that has been in our lounge room for a few years - is also in her room where the window seat used to be. The same white wardrobe is still in that room, but has been shifted to where Cedar's cot used to be. So my arms and legs are a bit sore today from all the construction and furniture shifting.
I have a collection of kids clothes still to add to Curious Bazaar, which I will try and get to next week! But tomorrow I am off to Newcastle for the weekend. I have a photo shoot on Saturday morning and a workshop on Saturday afternoon. Quietest workshop yet, with just two registrations (a kind of rejection, in a way, but realistically it's a lack of audience), but I'm taking the opportunity to try out a kind of 'photo walk' and coffee stop style of workshop, more like a one-on-one mentor session. We'll see how it goes, and how the weather in Newcastle holds up - apparently it's been a bit wet there this week.
I was thinking the other day that I've had a few rejections this year, but for the most part have just kept moving on. I spoke awhile ago about trying to push the market art thingy for a little while, to have a market-intense few months, and then stop and reevaluate. Well, I have been rejected by three markets this year, and pretty much just moved forward. There are little rejections here and there all the time. Things NOT happening can be a rejection. Getting no response can feel like one, even when it isn't really that at all.
I put in my application for two wedding markets for next year, and was bracing myself for rejection (though Kim of Portobello Bride had been really encouraging last year when I enquired and wanted me to participate, so I felt reasonably confident of acceptance). But I was accepted to exhibit at those, and then I put in my application to the AIPP to become an emerging member. Something that's been on my to-do list for awhile. That was accepted, so that was exciting!
I guess my point is something about passion and perception. I can see now that the things I am most passionate about in my work have the most chance of success - as much as I enjoy the wall art side of my photography, it is a side point to the parts of my work that really get me emotionally invested. As a result, I never dedicated a lot of time or effort into making the art side a proper product line or whatever. I want it to still be an organic part of my art and business.
The less organic - and more official - parts of my business are changing for 2012 to a focus on graphics, blogging and website work and online stuff (Curious Bazaar, for starters) on one side of the coin, and wedding photography on the other. The first is more every day for me already. With two blogs, a handful of Facebook pages and an online shop, I always have more to learn about social media and web marketing, subjects I really enjoy digging into.
Wedding photography isn't new to me - technically, my first job as official photographer was a wedding, and I still love some of those shots (taken on film!). But I have never focussed on it for my business before, so it is taking some reshuffling and things that I am still hammering out details for. I have gone from nervous caution at weddings to relaxed confidence over the years, and I know that I can get beautiful images. It's a beautiful thing, after all, so it's not hard. I love being there to see those moments and to have the honour of capturing all that joy and excitement. Anticipation of a new life.
With marketing of anything, though, there has to be an element of rejection. If there is no rejection, then that's kind of bizarre - after all, everyone is different and how many businesses truly cater to every person's needs and tastes? Finding the right audience is part of marketing. So, handling rejection is part of it as well. It's back to perception. It doesn't have to lead to self-condemnation, which I think is often the way we take things. Emotionally, at least, and then we can rely on our brains to bring some logic back into the picture. Realign our perception. I think about it a lot because it is against my type, but I am constantly rewriting my thoughts to avoid that black hole that low self-esteem can lead to.
I read this post on Maxabella today and it reminded me about this reevaluation that I had planned for the end of the year, and which I've obviously gotten part of the way through, at least for the professional side of my life. I feel like I'm constantly rejuggling, in my head, to work out what to do - the next day, the next week, the next year. I have travel dreams, which I would like to be plans but in a practical sense there's a lot in the way (i.e. money!). So I have other plans to help with that, so that dreams feel like possibilities and wishes feel like hope.
And for now, my insomniac Aspergers daughter *may* be asleep in the next room, my laptop is overheating again and my cold seems to be turning back into hayfever. So I'm off to bed, to put my brain to sleep for awhile, and I'll start again in the morning.
What are your plans and passions? Does rejection cut you down, or are you a mind-over-matter person who takes it in their stride? Perhaps, like me, a bit of both?
*All photos from a photo shoot I did featuring Polkadot Lane, Monet Paisley and Little Tree Kids, a session that is currently featured in Tickle the Imagination online magazine.
Maeve and Tickles
Well while I've been squirreling away with dentist, occupational therapy, doctor and speech therapy appointments, photographing stock, posting orders, burning discs, painting Sienna's new bed, making moussaka, babysitting a little munchkin and talking to my mum on the phone, a couple of new exciting things have come out online!
First, I write for Maeve occasionally and their Summer 2012 issue has just come out. If you have a good look, you'll find my article 'The busting dance' tucked in there somewhere :)
Tickle the Imagination is the other online magazine that has a new issue out this week, this time featuring my photography shoot of clothes by Little Tree Kids, Monet Paisley, Dinky Me and Polkadot Lane, as well as accessories by Sew Chirpy (Sew Chirpy and Polkadot Lane stocked at Curious Bazaar, of course!). Sienna appears throughout, she's a pretty easy model, and Cedar and Ash both appear somewhere in there ;)
Have a read here - our feature is from page 53 onwards. Yay!
First, I write for Maeve occasionally and their Summer 2012 issue has just come out. If you have a good look, you'll find my article 'The busting dance' tucked in there somewhere :)
Tickle the Imagination is the other online magazine that has a new issue out this week, this time featuring my photography shoot of clothes by Little Tree Kids, Monet Paisley, Dinky Me and Polkadot Lane, as well as accessories by Sew Chirpy (Sew Chirpy and Polkadot Lane stocked at Curious Bazaar, of course!). Sienna appears throughout, she's a pretty easy model, and Cedar and Ash both appear somewhere in there ;)
Have a read here - our feature is from page 53 onwards. Yay!
This thing called 'R U Ok?' Day #ruOK
What is R U OK? Day?
On that day we want everyone across the country, from all backgrounds and walks of life, to ask family, friends and colleagues: "Are you OK?".
Staying connected with others is crucial to our general health and wellbeing. Feeling isolated or hopeless can contribute to depression and other mental illnesses, which can ultimately result in suicide. Regular, meaningful conversations can protect those we know and love.
It's so simple. In the time it takes to have a coffee, you can start a conversation that could change a life.
Sometimes I'm ok and sometimes I'm not quite that. At the moment I'm fine but, the truth is, I don't want to be asked. I do think it's important to ask. And I'm happy to ask other people, and am genuinely interested in what they will have to say in response. But I'd rather not be asked personally, thanks very much. I control things very much internally, and bringing them all out can be the difference between being 'ok right now' and 'not so much'.
Regardless, I think it's important to realise that admitting to struggles with mental health doesn't mean you need to be carted away by men in white coats (so to speak). If we can help normalise depression and other types of mental illness, including the thought processes that might contribute to them, perhaps it will help more people to speak up when they need to?
When I was 14, depression hit big time and I really didn't know what to do with myself. Everything seemed meaningless, and it wasn't just about self-esteem either (which was a big issue from time to time) - everything just seemed kind of stupid. And I didn't feel liked I belonged, not in my home, not in my skin, not in my head, not in my world, but not anywhere else either. I wrote poems, all the time. I played the cello rather loudly, channelling whatever I could get out. I painted sometimes. Took photos sometimes.
Anyway, at some point my mum pretty much asked me "are you ok?" in a "clearly you're not so what are we going to do about it" kind of way. So, at 15 I changed schools, and in the environment of much fewer people, more challenging school work (moving to year 11) and a nurturing, peaceful garden in the school grounds, I came to a better place. I still found life challenging a lot of the time, internally at least, but I wrote A LOT to explore that process and generally found life interesting again.
Since then it has come and gone... and come... and gone... as depression tends to do. I have a few distinct memories of times when it was bad for me - one of the times at 18 / 19, another at 22, a few other times. I've had a few times when I felt quite manic, like I was walking around with ants under my skin and my brain whirring at a million miles an hour, for weeks. I've had a panic attack or two, but anxiety hasn't taken a firm hold at any time, thankfully. I had a year where I felt like I was constantly visualising trauma that was about to happen, except that it wasn't actually about to happen at all, it was just me imagining the worst in constant graphic detail. That still happens but it was only really extreme for a short time.
This poem is from 2002
I am
adrift
within
my consciousness
lost
in thought,
random
and
organic,
seeming
only temporary
unbidden
desires,
viciousness
toward
me
I want
to tear out
my
thoughts from
the
consciousness
of me
wear
the blood of
this
destruction
as a
badge,
identifying
the pain
of the
lost,
the
who
of who
I am
these
lives so secret
these
secrets
inside
of me
As far as mental illness goes, I get it. I've had a couple of friends over the years say to me that they don't like to say out loud what they think in their head, things like "I could walk in front of that bus", but they do say that to me and I'm like "I know what you mean". It's important to be able to talk to people, to express your feelings, and not have them over-react with drama and freaking out, disappointment or platitudes. Remember, there is a strong sense of not wanting to worry people, as well as not wanting to be judged or for some people there is a feeling of shame. I think it depends on your background a lot. In any case, a calm, genuine listening ear (and sometimes a gentle but firm push towards other types of help available) is far more helpful and reassuring than an "oh my god!" response*.
It's important to be able to say that stuff out loud, to be able to get a hold of your perspective, to tell someone that those thoughts are a symptom of how you're feeling inside, desperate and uncertain, disconnected or overwhelmed, or whatever it is - those thoughts are a symptom of how intense your feelings are. They are not an answer, that is vital to understand, but telling someone how you feel is part of the journey. It is also important to know this about yourself. And then things get better. They will, because they do. It might take some time, it will very likely require some help. And the darkness might come back again, but then it will go away again too.
So it will be a day to ask someone 'R U Ok?' on September 15th. Or maybe, for you, it will be a day to answer honestly when someone asks you.
*It's important not to be offended, as well, when a loved one doesn't want to talk about their struggle with you. If you know they will talk to someone, and will be getting help if they need it (that is important), keep in mind that perhaps what they need from you is time off from their feelings of depression and anxiety. Light relief, or just quiet companionship, or general support, or maybe a babysitter while they go and see a professional if that is what they need to do. All of that is incredibly valuable too. But if you are seriously worried, listen to your instincts too. R U OK website has some great advice here.
There have been some honest, insightful and inspiring blog posts in relation to R U Ok? Day - here are a few I've been reading:
- Glowless
- Twitter feed #ruOK
- My Big Nutshell
The following are some recommended help and information contacts:
* beyondblue info line (National) - 1300 22 4636
* Lifeline (National) - 13 11 14
* Just Ask Rural Mental Health Information & Referral Line (National) - 1300 13 11 14
* SANE Australia Helpline (National) - 1800 187 263
* Suicide Helpline - 1300 651 251
* Mensline (National) - 1300 789 978
* Australian Psychological Society Referral Line (National) 1800 333 497
* Mental Health Information Service (NSW) - 1300 794 991
* Kids Helpline (National) - 1800 551 800
Cover girl (or not, LOL)
The article 'Raising Autism - Just Keep Swimming' in the new issue of Maeve, that one's mine. I'm actually really honoured to be in Maeve again, I had written 'Me and My Bestie' and contributed music recommendations to the last issue. Funnily enough, when Louise originally responded to my offer to contribute, she had suggested an article about Autism for their first person feature, but I didn't really know what I wanted to write about that yet...
However, after mulling it over I guess I had a little expressive summary ready to write. Now I'm not so sure, but it's out there anyway :) As I say in the article, I don't like whinging, I just don't like dwelling on negative things, or on the negative aspects of things. I'm quite practical, in that sense. I like planning and researching and doing something about things I don't like. Defeatism frustrates me no end.
On the other hand, depression is different. The feelings then aren't about pessimism, or being a victim or anything, the experience of depression is both despite and apart from the things in your life. Not 1 + 1 = 2, but rather 1 + 1 will equal whatever the hell it likes, regardless of the logic. This is just a kind of disclaimer paragraph I feel like I might seem really judgmental from the last paragraph. The truth is, I apply my approach more to myself than anyone.
Back to Autism, I had forgotten that I'd left in the bit about my husband going through the diagnostic process (when I started writing, I put in everything, and then edited). He didn't have any specific issues that we were concerned about, but after reading about Aspergers (Sienna has Aspergers, Ash has autistic disorder - or, high-functioning autism) there were some parts that were so similar to Ben it made us laugh. Especially the parts about how they commonly react in the workplace, and the great divide between what they're passionate about and... well... everything else! But then, other parts - like hyper sensitivity - didn't match at all.
So, he chose to get assessed, not to get a diagnosis but just to know himself better. The result was pretty much what he expected: he doesn't have autism as a functional disability (according to the DSM-IV), but the clinical psychologist felt that he otherwise fits the diagnosis of Aspergers. It was all positive. She added how well Ben uses his strengths and intelligence to make up for some of the social awkwardness common to folks on the spectrum.
Anyway, anyway, the kids. Cedar is being assessed later in the year, though he has some pervasive developmental delay concerns that his paediatrician has noted, he is a conflicting presentation. In other words, he can seem totally happy, fine and normal, and he can also seem delayed, overwhelmed, emotional, fixated. Which is what all of the kids were like, I think, in hindsight. Quirky but okay. Which is what they still are, essentially!
Cedar's also being treated for aneamia, which resulted from drinking too much milk (his food was fine) and most likely began to be a problem in hospital when milk was all we could get into him for a week or so. Excessive calcium inhibits iron absorption, or something like that. So he's having his iron stuff and should be fine in a couple of months. Not that I've noticed any lack of energy on his part, that's for sure!
We're in Adelaide this week, the kids and I, and Ben is flying over on Friday. Family time and catching up with friends, the kids enjoying playing with their cousin here in Mount Barker. Did I mention I love my car? I really notice on long drives. I fill up with fuel at home (Dandenong Ranges, east of Melbourne) and drive to Adelaide with petrol to spare. LOVE IT!
However, after mulling it over I guess I had a little expressive summary ready to write. Now I'm not so sure, but it's out there anyway :) As I say in the article, I don't like whinging, I just don't like dwelling on negative things, or on the negative aspects of things. I'm quite practical, in that sense. I like planning and researching and doing something about things I don't like. Defeatism frustrates me no end.
On the other hand, depression is different. The feelings then aren't about pessimism, or being a victim or anything, the experience of depression is both despite and apart from the things in your life. Not 1 + 1 = 2, but rather 1 + 1 will equal whatever the hell it likes, regardless of the logic. This is just a kind of disclaimer paragraph I feel like I might seem really judgmental from the last paragraph. The truth is, I apply my approach more to myself than anyone.
Back to Autism, I had forgotten that I'd left in the bit about my husband going through the diagnostic process (when I started writing, I put in everything, and then edited). He didn't have any specific issues that we were concerned about, but after reading about Aspergers (Sienna has Aspergers, Ash has autistic disorder - or, high-functioning autism) there were some parts that were so similar to Ben it made us laugh. Especially the parts about how they commonly react in the workplace, and the great divide between what they're passionate about and... well... everything else! But then, other parts - like hyper sensitivity - didn't match at all.
So, he chose to get assessed, not to get a diagnosis but just to know himself better. The result was pretty much what he expected: he doesn't have autism as a functional disability (according to the DSM-IV), but the clinical psychologist felt that he otherwise fits the diagnosis of Aspergers. It was all positive. She added how well Ben uses his strengths and intelligence to make up for some of the social awkwardness common to folks on the spectrum.
Anyway, anyway, the kids. Cedar is being assessed later in the year, though he has some pervasive developmental delay concerns that his paediatrician has noted, he is a conflicting presentation. In other words, he can seem totally happy, fine and normal, and he can also seem delayed, overwhelmed, emotional, fixated. Which is what all of the kids were like, I think, in hindsight. Quirky but okay. Which is what they still are, essentially!
Cedar's also being treated for aneamia, which resulted from drinking too much milk (his food was fine) and most likely began to be a problem in hospital when milk was all we could get into him for a week or so. Excessive calcium inhibits iron absorption, or something like that. So he's having his iron stuff and should be fine in a couple of months. Not that I've noticed any lack of energy on his part, that's for sure!
We're in Adelaide this week, the kids and I, and Ben is flying over on Friday. Family time and catching up with friends, the kids enjoying playing with their cousin here in Mount Barker. Did I mention I love my car? I really notice on long drives. I fill up with fuel at home (Dandenong Ranges, east of Melbourne) and drive to Adelaide with petrol to spare. LOVE IT!
Contributing to Maeve!
Check out the Summer edition of Maeve, a fabulous online women's magazine. I wrote 'Me and My Bestie' for this issue about my friend Sylvia of Artsy Ants, and Sylvia contributed her perspective as well :) The music recommendations were also selected by me, yay! And there is even a Curiouser ad in there somewhere...
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